Having anxiety can sometimes feel like you are on your hands and knees, your hands completely covered in dirt, dried blood and finger nails as black as the nights sky. You are trying with every ounce of strength that you can muster to climb a never ending mountain, fog surrounding you and all you can see is the ground beneath you near vertical, which you are clinging too for dear life, yet no matter how hard you cling, how far you climb, the further you go, the more strides you make, It can seem as if it only gets worse.
I am going to share with you an experience I had a few days ago, It is to do with the night, with the time that can, to me feel like the best time of the day, yet also feel like the worst.
“A Body Shaking Bolt From The Blue”
A few days ago, on a seemingly randomly unassuming day, a day that had actually been rather good to me, I experienced something that I had not experienced for a few months. It used to terrify me to the deep dark depths of my core. It was at the end of the night, when I was just warming up under the covers and getting ready to fall asleep after the hours of torment of not being able to switch my brain off, I finally managed to calm it down enough that I could start to fall asleep. Here lied the problem, as my eyes closed, my brain seemed to switch off, as my tense body seemingly relaxed itself I was hit with a body shaking bolt from the blue. It is hard to describe it to you, but try to image, as I was half asleep entering my recuperation time I was suddenly woken with a body filling sense of anxiety that shook my whole body, my hands sweaty, my heart pounding and a full body spasm so violent that it was enough to completely wake not just me, but my dog up as well from whatever peaceful sleep we were entering. This was not a one time thing, the body shaking bolt from the blue repeated itself over and over for about an hour every time i closed my eyes and began to fall asleep until I was so mentally and physically tired from battling my anxiety I finally managed to fall asleep.
This is something I used to experience most nights, it was a torment that plagued my recuperation time, it was something that caused me insomnia for I feared falling asleep and going through the battle. Through hard work over the past few years I have managed to conquer that demon, not completely as on occasions it rears its ugly head once again but I have managed to go from feeling that body shaking bolt from the blue most nights to a few times a month.
My point to this story is that no matter how hard life seems at times, how low you feel and how hard it can become. It can get better and with hard work and determination you are able to control the demons that used to control you.