The look I give, can sometimes seem ominous, it can sometimes seem like I look at the world and the people who reside in it with contempt, with envy and with resentment.
The truth is that, is anxiety any kind of excuse for envy?
The anxious feeling that engulfs my whole being from the moment my eyes are opened by the sunlight slowly creeping into my room is not an excuse for the envy I feel at people who wake with optimism for what the day beholds them.
Slowly rolling along in my car when suddenly I am stopped in my tracks by the traffic, my body starts to tense, my hands start to grip the wheel ever tighter, my mind starts to perceive the danger that is invisible to my eyes, the recurring thought that if the wheels stop rolling, if I come to a complete stop, the my life will too, the concentration I muster in the midst of a civil war I am embroiled in within my head to keep the car always at a slow momentum in an ever stopping traffic does not validate the thoughts I have of jumping out of my car walking to the drivers door of the car in front of me, ripping the door off and screaming at the jumped up twat who is dancing and singling along to Taylor Swift like he just won back stage tickets to the idiot show.
My face a light shade of red, my hands all clammy, my body trembling, my heart beating at a rapid rate, my mind engulfed with a persistence to not be beaten by the flight of flight response that is currently perceived by me, to be my whole reality. This situation is no valid excuse for me looking at the guy standing in front of me in the queue for the kiosk, looking like he has not got a care in the world with a persistent resentment for everything he seems to be.
A sudden wave of anxiousness engulfs me, I am doing nothing, looking at a screen, sat in my chair, job sheets strewn around me, the colour of red catches my eye, my mind turns to panic, fight or flight kicks in, I fly, I only make it as far the the back wall of the building, I am out of sight off anyone, my mind takes this opportunity to tell me that if I do not hug the wall in front of me I will die, I find my face planted against the cold bricks, my hands grasping them as I try to reason with my mind that there is nothing wrong with me, that whether I hug the wall of not makes no difference to the outcome of the situation I face, I calm down yet I am filled with resentment as I walk back into the office at my fellow workers who are going about their daily business with no idea the troubles I have just faced.
Its 4.59pm yet I can not leave my chair, my mind filled with thoughts of the boss seeing me leaving at dead on 5.00pm and thinking I have no love for my job, his thoughts of anger at me sitting there for the last hour counting down the seconds until I can leave, when in reality I am broken, I have faced a war zone since the moment I had awoken from my slumber, all I want to do is run, run to my safe haven and forget the trials the day has caused me, yet I still sit there with resentment at what the night hold for others, what dreams may possible come true in the coming hours for them as I reside at home alone, convincing myself that I am ok, that I can win, that I will not be beaten down by my own subconscious.
Anxiety is not an excuse for the envy and resentment I feel at watching my friends live their lives at half the speed that I dream of living mine, if only my brain worked correctly.
Anxiety is no excuse.